THERE are many opinions on how we should tackle the coronavirus until a vaccine goes public.
Some argue that we should just open up the pubs and the cinemas, abandon social distancing and put up with the consequences.
But we read this week about a chap in Wales who had to be held up at the funeral of his wife and two sons who’d all died from the virus within days of each other.
And I’m sorry but if we just opened everything up again and pretended nothing was happening, I fear we’d be reading heartbreaking stories like that every day.
You then have those who want the Government to shut the schools and force everyone to hide under their beds. I’m not sure the economy could survive that.
Then you get the loonies who say there’s no virus at all and the whole pandemic is a plot designed by Boris, or the Chinese, or space aliens, to turn us into worker bees, or food, or robots.
The only thing you never hear anyone say is: “I think the current government measures are working well.” And that, of course, is because they’re not.
They’re idiotic and no one I know is taking a blind bit of notice.
BIG NIGHTS OUT
One of the suggestions I’ve heard quite often is that we should lock up the nation’s old people, as they are the most at risk, so that everyone else can fill their lives with big nights out, casual sex and football.
But that won’t work because what’s “old”? Some people when they’re 70 can run up a mountain while others spend all day sitting in their inconti-panties, on a wipe-down chair, drooling. What might work, however, is locking up the other vulnerable group — the fat.
Fatness can easily be measured. It can even be seen. So anyone who’s obese is forced to spend all day doing star-jumps and sit-ups at home, until they are not fat any more.
It’s easy to enforce. You just get the police to make people stand on weighing scales in town centres and anyone who’s overweight is sent home.
This would cut the number of fatalities, save the NHS, address the obesity crisis which is plaguing the nation and cause the weak-minded who over-eat to get a grip.
Speaking as someone who is fat, I know that if I was sitting at home while my friends were in the pub or at the football, and that I couldn’t join them until I’d lost the gut, I’d teach myself to survive on nothing but weeds and seeds.
And I’d lose two stone in a week.
Messiah Marcus?
HAVING provided free food for all of Britain’s children, Marcus Rashford is now urging kids to read something more challenging than the microwave instructions on a bag of frozen chips. The man is also a talented footballer.
I’m not sure, but we’ve been waiting 2,000 years for the second coming. Has it arrived and we missed it?
Lambos for cops
PICTURE the scene. You’re in urgent need of a kidney transplant and you’re told that a suitable organ has been found. But it’s 300 miles away and no helicopters are available.
In Britain, you’d be screwed.
But not in Italy, where police have a fleet of Lamborghini Huracans. With cold boxes in the luggage compartment to keep organs fresh.
This means that last week, they were able to cover the 300-mile journey from just outside Venice to Rome at an AVERAGE speed of 145mph.
And that meant the patient can now look forward to a long and happy life.
As I’ve always said, speed is good, speed is right, speed works.
